Brazil Part 1: Rio De Janeiro

Imran is a very easy man to understand. He likes food, women and a thumping bass line. And when it comes to food and women, he likes exactly the same characteristics in each: juicy breasts, meaty thighs and succulent rumps. Nicely browned but a bit pink when slapped around a bit. So you can imagine how much he was looking forward to Brazil - a country any more perfect for him? I don't think so.

There could be no better place to start, therefore, than Rio De Janeiro; the land where arses are always on show and wearing a piece of dental floss between the cheeks is just a formality; the city where everyone wants nothing more than a beach to lie on, a Caipirinha in one hand and a joint in the other. Imran and I had agreed to get all our talking out of the way before we went to Rio - once there I knew he'd be too busy gawping at the fabulous views to take any notice of what I had to say. Imagine our surprise then when we arrived at our hotel on Ipanema beach and realised it was I who'd be gawping and that we should just forget about the women because Rio is all about the men. 

Sure, there were female buttocks on show at every turn but they weren't always the young bonny kind Imran was expecting. The women are certainly all very sexy because of their supreme self-confidence and the girls that ARE fit are stop-traffic-beautiful and stunning and more gorgeous than any model, but contrary to popular belief and Snoop Dogg videos, they're not the norm. So if it's purely the perfect physical form you're after, it's better to be female or gay because 90% of the men look like they've just walked straight off the covers of Men's Fitness magazine. I've never seen anything like it! It was so refreshing to be in a place where the women are accepted for being exactly how they want or how they are (whether skinny or bootylicious or anything in between) and it's the men who have to make all the effort to look good. Every country should be more like Brazil!

Of course, we got more than our fair share of buff bods because we were staying right on Section 9 of Ipanema beach; this, we found, is the gay area and so we were bumping into trim and toned torsos every three steps. These guys were strutting around, caramel skins waxed to within an inch of their lives, manly bits heavily constricted in the tightest of budgie smugglers, pouting and basically trying to stand out in a sea of manly competition. It was quite possibly the best people-watching I've ever done (and I don't mean in a pervy way, ok?!)

Now before I start sounding like a desperate housewife (perhaps already too late, I imagine) let me tell you what we liked about Rio because we really did love it a crazy amount and thought it was the best city on our trip so far. It's quite simply the city that epitomises the word FUN. The people, the atmosphere and the general vibe are easy-going, happy and relaxed. Life is all about enjoying yourself here and never taking it or yourself too seriously. It's not flashy or upmarket, nor does it try to be. If it's airs and graces tourists want, they'll just tell them to go elsewhere. 

Food-wise, Rio was the most perfect place for us: juice bars on every street and more sushi places than Tokyo (ok, that's a slight exaggeration.) I guess the guys need to eat well in order to keep their bums looking peachy in those speedos. Brazil has a huge Japanese community (in number, not physical size) so that explains the sushi madness.

Ever wanted to know what it'd be like to go to a beach party with two million guests? We found out as we arrived in Rio in time to celebrate NYE. Copacabana beach was only an hour's walk from our hotel along the coastline and we headed down around 7pm to find it was already jam-packed. Just crossing the road outside the main stage took nearly an hour so when Imran had to go and use a loo I knew he'd be gone a long time. Luckily, three crazy Brazilian chicks who couldn't speak a word of English and had been drinking since 3pm took pity on this poor loner of an English gal and befriended me. They weren't the usual type of lasses I hang out with - need a pee? Just squat down wherever you happen to be standing  in front of thousands of other people and then kick some sand over it - but they were lively and cheerful and hysterically asked Imran if he'd enjoyed his.. er, self treat when he eventually made his way back to us (their interpretation of what I'd acted out when asked of his whereabouts - no wonder they'd laughed like loons.) We could only converse through the shouting out of words that cross all international borders: Kate and William! David Beckham! Obama! Arsenal! Bob Marley! I love Brazil! All got a massive cheer from anyone within hearing distance.

The experience of NYE here is sheer madness. Everybody is having fun and there's surprisingly no trouble considering the amount of drunks around. It's that laid-back attitude again. Just two million people all wearing white, 1.25m of them Brazilian, jumping in the air and singing until 8am. It was a fantastic atmosphere. Even the drizzling rain that went on all night didn't dampen any spirits; in fact, it was welcome in the heat and to wash off the stickiness of champagne being sprayed everywhere. (Brazilian sparkling wine is so bad that even the locals don't drink it.) The fireworks at midnight are meant to be amongst the best in the world but although fantastic, I think it's more the sheer size of them that makes them so spectacular as enough are needed to be seen along 4km of coastline. Everyone was incredibly friendly, aware that we were all here to celebrate together and at midnight you find yourself being sincerely hugged by about fifty strangers.

As much as Imran may be in denial about his age, even he would think it a bit sad to befriend 17 year olds. But that's exactly what happened that night simply because they were the only people who spoke English and they really wanted to practise their language skills with us. The best linguist, a very pretty lad called Felipe, was highly entertaining. Our introduction to him consisted of his offering of condoms. Pointing to the crazy drunk chicks, he said: "That woman there wants me to give you these because she says you need sex protection." A perfect example of how brain cells are affected by alcohol. "No thanks," we replied. "We've been married for five years and don't have any kids - what does that tell you?" Then we all laughed before Felipe gave me a bear hug and said, "I'm sooo happy to meet with you because my English is speaking really good and never I have opportunity to practise with real people from England!" To be fair, his English was excellent for such a young 'un and he was a great person to talk to. He offered Imran a swig from his bottle of random Brazilian liquor and only after Imran was done wiping the spills from his chin did he wisely inform us: "In Rio you should never accept drinks from strangers."

We were near the main stage as David Guetta was playing at 2am and as the time approached, we negotiated through the crowds to try to get a bit closer. "I have read there are many gay people in England," Felipe shouted to me as we climbed over passed-out bodies. 

"Not as many as in Rio," I answered, reminding him that out of the twelve people we'd spent most time with that night - mad wasted women included - only three were heterosexual. "There is large gay community in England but it's not as open or obvious."

"Homosexuality is not open here," he replied as he helped me side step a four-way male group snog. "You didn't know I am gay until I tell to you I was."

"Honey," I laughed, "I knew you were gay before I even spoke to you 'cause you're as camp as bloody Christmas!" He didn't quite understand that. But he was adamant that his dream to go to a rural English village and meet other gay men was still alive and well. I told him to research Brighton instead or better still, just head to New York where he could be as flamboyant as is humanely possible.

We danced along with the masses to David Guetta's set for a little while before age finally caught up with us. We like a party as much as the next person but we're not teenagers willing to slum it anymore. As fantastic as New Year is in Rio as a once-in-a-lifetime experience, after eight hours the crowds, sweat, discomfort and refusal to use a portaloo with two million people gets too much. Felipe had been missing for a little while and suddenly came hurrying back to us, his face flushed. "I nearly got raped by a huge man!" Not quite responding to the drama in the required theatrical teenage fashion we asked him what he had done. "I had to kiss him.. It was the only way to get rid of him! Can you please hold my bag? I need to find someone else to kiss on." 

Sorry dude, that was our cue to remember how grateful we are those young years are behind us and leave. We danced down the beach to the shoreline (passing Felipe who was back with his apparent near-rapist) where hundreds of families were playing in the surf and walked back to Ipanema. It was a brilliant New year.. but just the one time!

The following day, Rio was a ghost town. The people cleaning the beach and roads could do so at their leisure as people were still sleeping off their celebrations at 2pm. It was the most deserted we'd seen the streets for days and human bodies only started to emerge after 3pm, albeit refreshed and ready for another party. Can't blame them - the Caipirinhas here are something else!

The Snoop Dogg and Pharrell video for 'Beautiful' is filmed in Rio and during a day of exploring we decided to visit the sites shown most in the video and re-enact it. Sad, I know. But hey, we're easily entertained.

We went to the famous steps of Escadaria Selaron. These were once normal steps in the neighbourhood of Lapa until a Chilean artist moved into one of the houses alongside them and spent over thirty years decorating them. (Check it out on Wiki because it's very interesting but this post is too long already to give more details.) We didn't see the artist but he still lives there and apparently comes out occasionally, drunk out of his mind, sometimes jolly and happy to greet the tourists and at other times miserable and refusing to talk to anyone. We sat down, Imran as Snoop and me as Pharrell and sang the song. Yes, people thought we were mad - only the American visitors knew exactly what we were doing and took their own versions of the same picture!

After a bike ride around the city's lagoon (with the world's biggest floating Christmas tree in the middle) we headed to Parque Lage which is simply a beautiful building. It has no roof and the views above are of the famous Christ statue and surrounding mountains. This is where Snoop parties with all the chicks in bikinis at the end of the video. We didn't have anyone in bikinis around but Imran still got into character and bust a few moves. Luckily, we then stopped being gangster rappers and went back to being ourselves.

The Botanical Garden was my favourite attraction in Rio. It's full of trees, plain and simple. And as trees are my most favourite thing in the whole of the natural world, I loved it. Even Imran was quite awed by the beauty of the place, especially the famous palm tree-lined 'avenue' in the middle of the Gardens.

The most well-known attractions in Rio are Sugar Loaf mountain and Christ the Redeemer statue, the latter being one of the Modern Wonders of the World. Personally, I think they're more spectacular seen from a small distance as they lose a bit of their majesty on the site's actual location due to the many, many tourists. My guess is a helicopter would be the best way to see these most impressively but we didn't do that. They were still remarkable, though. Cable cars take you to the top of Sugar Loaf from where there are awesome views of the entire city, and when we saw the Christ statue, there was a massive amount of mist swirling around which made it look even more imposing and heavenly. I can see why it's a Modern Wonder.

The Rio Carnival takes place in February so we made the long journey out of Rio to an area called Nelopolis to watch a Beija Flor samba rehearsal for the event. You can't go to Brazil and not dance some samba! It was fun but not quite as much fun as we were hoping: I think we forgot we were going to a rehearsal. We danced along to the bands at first, trying to copy the moves of a little old lady having the time of her life but even after a few Caipirinhas it was really difficult! After the rehearsal started, there was a lot of standing around and waiting (to be expected with thousands of people, I guess). When they did dance, it wasn't choreographed as we expected but more like an outdoor nightclub with everyone doing their own thing.. and amongst all the amazing movers, there were some really bad ones! The choreographed dancing started close to 1am but we had to leave; knowing the Brazilians, it probably went on all night. The area in which the rehearsals were being held was very charismatic and more like 'real' Rio. It was very run-down with streets packed with people, blaring music speakers and the smoke of food being cooked on makeshift barbecues. The sense of community and the atmosphere were pretty cool.

We had planned to visit a favela in Rio - a Brazilian slum. Tourists are encouraged to go here as the drug lords who run them want the money coming in from visitors so ensure it's a safe place to be. We even wanted to go to a favela party! However, in recent times the favelas have been taken over by the police and the situation is a bit more precarious. We were still going to go to Rocinha, the largest one, but had to cancel as five people were shot dead by the police the night before our planned visit. How depressing. But there's always the beach in Rio to uplift your spirits.

People-watching opportunities in Rio are best on the beach and Copacabana is possibly the best one for this. You can get a glimpse of the entire culture here. At sunset the beach is alive with cheery people, unwinding at one of the many beachside bars drinking Caipirinhas or the juice from a freshly-cut coconut. Some are smoking shishas; others ganja. Topless joggers occupy the special paths next to the roads while men with bodies made of brick do pull-ups on the many mini gyms lining the beach. The smell of fried prawns and empanadas fill your nostrils. On the beach itself, there are all sorts of sporting activities going on from exercise classes, football matches (naturally) and family games to our personal favourite, the incredibly skillful 'folleyball' (our term for volleyball using only heads, chests and feet. I think it's more officially known as footvolley or footbag net.) You can watch and shake your head as lame Western men buy their dates for the night from the array of local women offering themselves. There's an artisan market here every evening from 6pm until midnight but it's quite small compared to the cool Hippie Market in Ipanema every Sunday.

In summary, we found Rio to be a fantastic place. It had it all for us: beautiful nature, a beach, a busy city vibe alongside relaxation, good food and drink, and  down to earth people wanting to engage in conversation regardless of whether or not you can say a word in each other's language. In one beach bar we asked a guy what he was eating and he moved all of his stuff, came and sat with us and told us to eat it with him. That just sums up the people. They're always smiling and don't let anything stress them. The man-made parts of the city might not be much to look at but every area finds and celebrates its unique identity with a community spirit. They don't need to be fancy or spend more than the next person on anything with an elitist name in order to feel good about themselves because they know that would be a losing battle: they believe happiness comes from enjoying life and finding pleasure in the most simple and time-tested ways. They're proud to be Brazilian, content in their own skin and don't search for self-fulfilment outside of that. In that respect, we could all learn a lot from Rio's Cariocas in today's world.

Goodbye, Rio de Janeiro: we'll most definitely see you again!